Our house is being terrorized by a naked two year old.
And by naked I mean NAKED.
Seriously. Mason has become Captain Underpants.
Shiny Hiney bouncing from room to room, laughing like an evil imp who has come to traumatize both the furniture, and my hopes of one day getting rid of the evil diaper genie (don’t get me wrong – I love the diaper genie. I just don’t want to need it anymore).
Mason and my niece both decided to ditch their pants and diapers yesterday at nap time. Really?
I thought, okay, fluke. Her pants were a bit big, so I figured she just got tired of them and Mason followed suit. Until bedtime. When Mase got naked again. And again. And again.
My wheels start turning. Is this a sign? Is it potty time? He doesn’t tell me when he has to go. He doesn’t stay dry at night. He doesn’t seem overly uncomfortable or bothered when he’s wet. But maybe none of those things matter. Maybe his little naked butt is the only sign I need!
He woke up clothed this morning (thank goodness for that – I do not need a Poopcasso Jr. resurrection), and it was business as usual. I got the boys breakfast, got some work done, wrote on here for a bit, and went to clean Mason’s disaster area. While sorting through the mess that used to be his dresser, I got up to handle some other form of minor emergency with Kaleb. When I got back to the room, Mason was gone – but his diaper wasn’t. OH NO. I do not need a naked two year old running free through this house.
Then I found him – in the bathroom. He’d lifted the lid on the toilet and was standing there staring at the bowl. What is this?? Is he going to pee? In the toilet? By himself? Seriously???
Nah. He’s not. We sat in the bathroom for around half an hour, me trying to bribe with anything I could come up with – and he just taunted me with his little “I’m going to go potty – Not!” stance. Belly sticking out, hands on hips, fiendish grin – but no pee.
Okay big guy, you wanna play? We’ll play!
I went through this with Kaleb at this age – was sadly disappointed – but still, I have the packs of underwear I bought that never got used. Promptly stuck Mason in a brand new pair of tighty whiteys.
Made them lunch – while Mason ran around like Captain Underpants laughing with glee – and Kaleb peppered me with questions because “Babies don’t use the potty!”
My niece got dropped off right after lunch, and off they went to wreak havoc together. Only they went straight to the bathroom. Where Mason again tormented me for twenty minutes by stripping down, waving his little wee in front of the toilet – and every time I said “Are you going to go pee?” He’d shout “No!” and laugh like he’d just gotten a good dose of gas from the dentist.
This went on all day. Twice he had very minor accidents – not enough to actually wet anything more than his undies. So, in my head, I know he’s doing the same thing Kaleb did. He’s holding it (at least now I know he can hold it). I also know the minute I put him in a diaper he’s going to soak himself in seconds.
Why won’t you just pee???
Around 3 I head out to run a couple errands and do our Easter shopping (stupid Pinterest with these stupid ideas, now I’m all gotta be crafty – social media is going to be the death of me).
I get back home around 5:30. Open the garage, stash the Easter stuff, unload the rest of the groceries, close the garage, start bringing stuff in the house (see? I’m sneaky! No kids screaming at the gate while I unload the car! Ha Ha!). I get all of the general groceries in the house while Kaleb flits around me like some sort of hyped up lightning bug. Eventually he stops for a breath and I ask where Daddy is.
“Daddy is in the bathroom with Mase cause Mason went to sleep and peed ALLLLL over his bed and got all yucky in his underwears cause babies don’t wear underwears so Daddy has to give Mason a bath.”
This is that point in the story where I know Daddy is going to give me the “OMG seriously? You just told the world this?” look after he reads the blog – but I’m still laughing. I’m sorry love, but I’m seriously still laughing. And I feel for him – because it happened just like Kaleb said. Mason went and fell asleep. In his underwear. After basically holding in his pee all day. And once he was out – so was the pee. So the Bug got a bath, and Daddy got another reminder of the joys of potty training the un-trainable.
Though, my ESP must have kicked in at Walmart cause I totally bought Daddy some pre-emptive “your day has gone to hell” presents.
An hour later, while Daddy is making dinner (did I mention I feel super special today? I’m not sure what I did, but I totally feel super special – do not make a wise crack here), I’m sitting on the porch. I can here him and Mase chattering. I can’t hear what Mason is saying, but I can hear Daddy saying “Heeey Boo-Boo!” which, I caught myself doing when Mason was really young, and now neither of us can stop. Ten minutes or so goes by, and Mase comes out to me and starts yanking on my arm and yelling at me. I just want to finish what I’m reading and I’m all his. I look up as he goes running back in the house and I hear Daddy yelling “Oh my God! Why are you naked??!”
This is the point where neither one of us can help but laugh. The kid has been pants and diaper free for going on thirty minutes, and neither of us caught on. He’s waving his little weenis around in the air like it’s his new best buddy, laughing like a loon, and we’re totally oblivious. Yeah, we’re that awesome sometimes.
So, I suppose we will try again tomorrow. Considering the kid has stripped himself naked 12 times since then.
Like I said. There is a tiny naked tormentor in my house. He’s giving me hope that I may one day be done with diapers. Then he’s giggling with maniacal glee and peeing on my dreams – but not the toilet. No candy, or cookies, or new cars are good enough to get the kid to actually aim his new favorite discovery at the potty.
But it’s okay.
He’s got a cute butt.