Here Come the Mummies…

Kaleb is insane.

We had to go have some blood drawn this afternoon after school.  He’s done this no less than 27 times before, without ever shedding a tear.  In fact, he’s usually downright fascinated with the entire process – which has always freaked me out, because I can’t stand the sight of needles.  Not so today.

Instead, today he acted like the technicians amputated his arm and made him regenerate it.

In the past hour I have heard:

It hurts!  Nobody has even touched you yet.  I don’t like doctors anymore Mommy.  I am not supposed to ever go to the doctor any more.  Well, tough luck kid – we’ve got a neuro appointment on the 20th. No!  I can’t eat!  I’m hurt!  Hurt kids don’t eat!  And here I just thought it was crazy kids that refused ice cream.  There’s red stuff coming out!  It’s not supposed to come out of there!  I am super thankful you said that one to Sho-Sho, cause I haven’t the slightest idea how to respond.  OH No!  My lego building broked!  Broke.  It broke.  And you know what to do – put it back together goof.  No!  Hurt kids DON’T build things!

Boy, hurt kids evidently don’t do much – except whine, drink milk, push Mason, and shed crocodile tears of course.

In his defense, he only pushed Mason because Mase tried to step on him.  Then again, Mase wouldn’t have stepped on him if he weren’t laying across the doorway.  Yet, he wouldn’t have been laying across the doorway if I hadn’t told him I wasn’t rebuilding his Lego building for him.  So, I guess you could lay that one on me!

We had another meeting at the school today to get the FBA paperwork signed, and to discuss Kaleb’s suspensions.  I’m definitely glad progress is being made.  I was supposed to go straight to a PTA meeting after – but the meeting ran late.  Luckily the PTA meeting was cancelled so I wasn’t the horrible secretary I thought I was.

The next week should be an interesting one.  Mason goes for his shots tomorrow, then I promised Kaleb we’d go to Target after school and get an ice cream (Icee), Legos (thank you blood work for forcing me to offer bribes), and his Valentines for school.  Movie night – with friends!  Yay!  Pirate Festival on Saturday, possible girls lunch Sunday, Therapy Monday, PTA Meeting Tuesday, find out if my book made it through the first round of cuts on Wednesday, and Valentine’s day!  I’m already tired.

Speaking of, evidently both of my kids decided to call it quits for the day.  Kaleb asked for Madagascar in his room, put on his jammies and is laying in bed playing with his Legos.  Mason grabbed his bus and his milk, and is laying in bed watching Cars.  I’m sitting here wondering if this is a blessing, or a curse.  There’s no way they’re actually going to go to bed.  Especially when Mason took a nap despite our best attempts to keep him up.  Even Milo is sleeping.  Why am I the only one not in bed right now?

I don’t know – but I sure am looking forward to sleep!  Even after crashing early last night – it was still a restless night, and I think I’d sell an internal organ for a decent, full, restful night of sleep.

Not that it would do that much good.  I work pretty well on no sleep.  On the rare occasion that I do get it, I spend the whole day sad I had to leave the bed.

I’m thinking we’re going to make Frankenfeet tomorrow night 🙂  Or maybe I’ll take another shot at the mummies.   I love my little monsters cookbook!  What are your favorite kid friendly snack recipes?

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Crazy Little Thing Called Love…

I know that the boys have a secret bet between them to see how far they can push me before I end up in the loony bin.  It’s not as secret as they think it is.  I see the devilish twinkle in the eye when dinner gets dumped in the dog’s water bowl; I recognize the crazy that calls to me when I give an order and find myself being laughed at wildly while simultaneously being ignored.  I have resigned myself to a lifetime of their crazy little attempts to get me in a nice white jacket.  However, in the midst of all this, I’m fairly certain they’re just straight up trying to give their father a stroke.  Here’s the difference between how they act for each of us separately…

Mommy

I’ve finished making the boys dinner, and sit them down to eat.  Meanwhile, I have a phone call to make, and I have to make dinner for us (we can’t eat with the kids – it’s a catastrophe every time).  In the course of my fifteen minute phone call, while my hands are covered in pizza dough and cheese, the chaos that ensued would have been comical if it weren’t happening to me.  Mason gets up from the table – Kaleb screams at him.  Mason moves the table, Kaleb screams at him.  Mason takes his plate of food and dumps it in the dog’s water bowl, laughing all the while.  Kaleb and I both scream at him, I remove the dog’s bowl, empty it, clean it, dry it, refill it, put it back.  Mason drives two buses and a matchbox car through ranch dressing.  I remove the cars, put them in the sink, clean his hands, and scold (all while still on the phone and covered in pizza dough).  Mason starts finger painting in ranch dressing, realizes I’ve spotted him and am coming for him, and takes off to try and paint the couch before he is cleaned.  I catch him just in time… just in time for Kaleb to start losing his mind because he’s just now realized that since Mason dumped his dinner in Milo’s dish the only ranch dressing he has access to is Kaleb’s… overall it’s a disaster.  Yell for help before ranch fingers can smear his masterpiece on my clothes and Kaleb goes Hulk and upends everything in the kitchen.  And now you’ve gotten a preview of what it’s like when the Monsters eat dinner, one of these days I’ll tell you about the adventures we encounter while actually cooking dinner.

So, eventually we did get to eat dinner, I managed to escape without getting pizza dough, cheese, or ranch on my clothes, and the kids started screaming that they were hungry as soon as the kitchen was picked up.  Now, here’s why I think they’re trying to give Daddy a stroke…

Daddy

On an average day, the kids manage to break at least one thing.  On top of their natural magnetism to disaster, Daddy generally has a “to do” list for himself a mile and a half long (seriously, it’s like the sprinklers are always broken).  This usually is a mix between things he wants/needs done, my “honey do” list, and the kids’ broken, ripped, torn, stepped on, snapped off mess of toys.  Even when he’s sick the poor guy can’t get a break.  You may recall from last week that the toilet in our bathroom got clogged.  You may also recall me mentioning not once but twice this week that I caught Mason dumping matchbox cars down the toilet in the boys’ bathroom.  Well, now it’s got the clog from hell.  I mean, really, like break two “professional grade” toilet snakes clogged.  We don’t know what is clogging it.  If it was a matchbox car, how the hell did it get that far into the drain?  If it’s not, what else could it be??  So, Kaleb goes to the bathroom last night and starts yelling that he’s out of “bums” (evidently this is now what we call toilet paper).  Todd goes to help him out, and realizes the toilet is overflowing.  And of course, it doesn’t help that once a day Kaleb just dropped a monster in the toilet (too much info?  oh well).  So, I’m in the kitchen making dinner and the next thing I know, I hear splashing, yelling, a bit of mostly kid friendly cursing, and I’m thinking Oooh there is no way I’m going anywhere near whatever that is.

After doing whatever it is that he’s doing to try and unclog the toilet, he manages to break the snake he just bought last week for our toilet (Daddy’s potty tool!).  So now he’s got to go to Lowes and get another, bigger one.  Kaleb pitches a fit, because he wants to go to, and he wants to get something to build.  However, Kaleb will not, under any circumstance, use our toilet.  He will only use his toilet.  Getting him to go to the bathroom in a new place is a 20 minute affair, and when we’re talking public places, forget about it.  Those aren’t “safe potties”.  Last year after he potty trained he went the last four months of school without peeing at all while at school.  He’d hold it till he got home.  Anyway, Daddy really needs to get in and out so he can fix the toilet, or Kaleb will not pee.  Doesn’t matter how bad he has to go, he won’t go.  And it’s bedtime, so this needs to get fixed and quick.  While he’s gone Kaleb and I plug in all the Christmas lights and light all the candles – about which Kaleb remarks “Gasp!  Mommy!  The fire dances!”  and I quickly think oh now, please don’t become engrossed in fire.  I really don’t want the house to burn down.  Please!  Daddy comes home from the store with a new snake and we make our back to the bathroom to help/watch.  It’s getting late, so I ask Kaleb what he wants to watch (he gets t.v. on non-school nights), and I got set up his t.v. for him.  I go back to the bathroom, and Kaleb comes back down the hallway, says something about something not working, but I’m not paying attention.  A few minutes later he says it again, and this time I’m listening, but I can’t quite catch what he said.  The third time he walked into the bathroom and yelled “That fricking thing is not working!”  Daddy and I both stop dead in our tracks and look at him.  Before I can register what happened, Daddy asks him to repeat what he said to make sure we heard correctly, and Kaleb takes off to bed.  I go hot on his heels and explain that that is not a word he is allowed to use until he is 18 and bigger than Mommy (which will probably be in two years, so I have to throw the age in there for good measure).  We make this a rule, and that is that.

Meanwhile, Daddy breaks the new snake.  Eventually he did manage to get it unclogged (we think).  Of course, by that time Mason is in bed, with a doll house, a dinosaur that bounces balls, and who knows what else.  The clearing of the bed becomes a scream fest, again.  The night before Daddy was up until after midnight trying to get the little Monster to sleep.  The kid refuses to sleep at night.

So, basically, the kids are trying to send him to the hospital, and me to the psych ward.  It’s probably working.  But they sure are cute when they wanna be.  Mostly.

Pirate Party!

Arrrrrrg you ready for trouble?

My children love to torture each other.

The problem is – while Kaleb is physically dominant, and academically brilliant, he doesn’t understand people – and has no real desire to.  Mason has been studying people since the day he entered the world.  He is a manipulative little thing, and knows just how to twist Kaleb up to the point that Kaleb does something to get himself in trouble.

Take this morning for example.  Kaleb has a pirate ship (obviously this is a toy, otherwise I would certainly win coolest mother of the year award), named Bucky.  He had been pleading and begging for this toy for months, until my mom bought it for him as “it’s your brother’s birthday but here’s a present for you so you don’t go ape” gift.  He loves this ship – unfortunately, so does Mason.  Mason has “Pirate Island” and Captain Hook’s Battle Boat – but they aren’t Bucky, and he wants Bucky.  This causes problems.

This morning, when Mason woke up, Kaleb was on the living room floor playing with one of his doll houses (yes, there are many of them.  Yes, he’s a boy.  No, I don’t care.  They help him understand family dynamics, express emotions, tell stories, and are overall good for him, so we say yes to doll houses.  We do draw the line at pink princess sneakers though).  Mason stopped, and watched over Kaleb’s shoulder for a minute.  At this point, I could see Kaleb visibly tense and get ready to defend his house.  Mason however, much to our surprise, steps over the house things, and moves on without a sound.  Now, Kaleb relaxes and goes back to setting up his house.  I, on the other hand, know that there is no way catastrophe was averted that easily, so I’m watching Mason with an eagle eye.  In the meantime, Milo steals yet another candy cane from the Christmas tree and I have to scold him and warn about the dangers of diabetes.  I don’t think the dog really cares.

When I turn back to Mason, he’s standing in front of Bucky.  He’s staring at the ship, and giving sidelong glances to Kaleb.  I know full well the kid is trying to gauge if he can get his hands on the ship, and take off before Kaleb can reach him.  Recognizing the catastrophe I had been waiting for, I intervened (I hadn’t even had a sip of my coffee yet – screaming, yelling, pushing, kicking, and so on were NOT going to happen yet).

“Kaleb.”

“What?”

“Since you are playing with your house, Mason is going to play with Bucky.”

“HUHHH???  OH, um, I’m all done playing with my house mommy, I’m going to play with Bucky.”

“Okay, well, then Mason is going to play with your house.”

“Okay mommy.”

So, all is well and glorious and I get to drink my coffee.  Kaleb is happy with Bucky, and Mason is happy playing with the house – or so I thought.  Kaleb suddenly starts to pay attention what Mason is doing – completely rearranging the house, and is not pleased.  From across the room he is telling Mason where things go, and to put them where they belong because they are in the wrong place.  As he’s saying this he’s moving closer and closer – Mason’s eyes are fixed on Bucky, and I’m thinking oh no.

Kaleb and Bucky pull up along side the house, and Kaleb starts instructing Mason what to do.  Mason reaches out to touch Bucky (at this point, with something that looks like reverence), and Kaleb immediately pulls back.  Mason, recognizing his opportunity, starts to dismantle the house Kaleb had put together with such painstaking care.  Kaleb is getting more and more worked up, and Mason sees his window getting wider and wider.  Odds are, if I hadn’t intervened again Kaleb would have gone after Mason and the house, Mason would have gone for Bucky, Kaleb would have gone after Mason, Kaleb would have gotten a time out to calm his mind down, Mason would have walked away with Bucky, and an evil little smile on his face.

In the end, Kaleb took the house people from Mason.  I gave them back.  Kaleb started to have a meltdown.  Mason gave Kaleb the people and shushed him.  I told Kaleb to thank Mason for doing a nice thing.  Kaleb smacked Mason instead… Kaleb ended up in time-out, and Mason ended up with Bucky.  No two year old should be so good at manipulating the people and situations around him.  But he is, he really is.

Kaleb’s violent meltdowns have and will continue to cause many problems for me.  However, I know at this point that Mason is going to give me grey hair before I turn 30.  I’ve already considered home-schooling the kid – for fear that he will manipulate all the other kids in his class into doing the things he doesn’t want to get in trouble for.  Seriously.  But I’d go crazy.  So, I’m apologizing in advance to his future classmates, teachers, administrators, coaches, and any other person who falls under his “Look how cute and innocent I am – while I completely drive you mad” spell.

Never a dull moment… I freaking love my kids.

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