The following is a list of crazy shit my kids have said – usually to me, but occasionally to other people. I’ll add to it over time. Enjoy the tiny lunatics I have thrust into the world. You’re welcome.
- Mason: “He said he wanted a girlfriend! And that is gross! Who would do that?! First, you have to go on a honeymoon. Then, you have to get married. Then you have to kiss her on the cheek, and then you have to have babies! Why would anyone do that?!” I clearly have not had the birds and the bees conversation with this child yet. And I have no intention of doing so anytime soon. I want to live in a world where honeymoons come before marriage too.
- Kaleb: “You are clearly not qualified to teach me this!” Some variation of this sentence has left his mouth on multiple occasions. Unfortunately, it is often directed at his actual teachers, who are plenty qualified to teach him. He’s just kind of an a-hole sometimes.
- Mason: “I am NEVER going outside again if you don’t give me my electronics! I will stay inside forever!” I shrug. This has no bearing on me. I work from the porch.
- Kaleb: “Get it away from me!” I look. The it he is referring to is a butterfly. I inform him of this. He does not care. “I know it’s a butterfly! It’s going to bite me!” *Runs away screaming.* This kid can recite every one of the elements on the periodic table and all of their properties from memory, while simultaneously listing every known fact about space. But he’s afraid of butterflies.
- Mason: “If you give me my tablet, I promise I’ll never pee on the toilet seat again.” Even Kaleb rolled his eyes at that one. Let me just apologize in advance to whoever ends up marrying Mase. He will likely pee on the toilet seat for the rest of his life. I am sorry about this. On the plus side, he’s an excellent toilet scrubber.
- Kaleb: “Would it be okay if I just go the weekend without my electronics?” Me – floored and confused, while slowly asking why. “I just really don’t feel like vacuuming, and I know I’ll have to do that to get my electronics. I’d rather not.”
- Mason: “Fine! I guess I’ll just lay here and be bored until I die!” This lasted approximately four seconds, because the dog licked him in the face.
- Mason: “We’re All-ovores!” I inform him that the word he’s looking for is Omnivore. “No! We are All-ovores! Because we eat All of the food! Like Sour Patch Kids! Get it?!”
- Kaleb: “What I really want to know is why.” I ask what he’s talking about. “Why are we here? What is the meaning of all of this? *waving hand around in the air* Of everything?” I tell him the answer is 42. As my child, he should know this already. He rolls his eyes. “No mom. That is not the answer I am looking for.” I shrug. It’s good enough for me.
- Mason: “I can’t decide what my job will be. I mean, I want to be a zoologist. But… I also really want to be a YouTube guy.” I inform him in no uncertain terms that being a ‘Youtube guy’ is not a job. Not in this house anyway. “Yes it is! Squidy does it and he’s famous! He has his own t-shirt!” I then inform him that making a t-shirt with your name on it does not make you famous. “Fine. That will be my hobby. On the weekdays I’ll try not to get bit by snakes, and on Saturday and Sunday I’ll make YouTube videos!”
- Mason: “Ugh! I’m sweating!” I glance over. It’s 97 degrees outside. He’s wearing a flannel shirt. I roll my eyes silently. Suddenly, his whole face lights up as he strips off the flannel. “Wow! I guess that’s why they call it a sweater!” Genuine awe happened right there.
- Mason: After being asked to “wait a minute!” by my niece (and his best friend in life), heaves a sigh and slams his book into his face. “Fine! You want space, I’ll give you space! Nope! Don’t talk to me, I’m reading my book and I need my space!” Mannnn, he has so much to learn about girls.