This is a story about a mom, and her two boys.
Obviously, it’s not that simple, but that’s pretty much the meat of it. Kaleb and Mason both have Autism. They are both smart, capable, funny children, who are also a leading cause of my steadily increasing wine budget. They are about as different as two humans can get, but they both make terrific Monsters.
When I started writing this, many years ago, it was a place for me to vent my frustrations as a stay-at-home mom with two kids that struggled in such different and often mind-bending ways. Some of that hasn’t changed. But much of it has. So, here’s the latest.
I suffered from postpartum depression on and off in various degrees of severity since Mason’s birth. During this time, I made mistakes. I hurt people that I love. I had been nearly manic in the ways I would switch who I was from day to day. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt scared and angry and so unbelievably fucked up that I couldn’t breathe. Some days my house would be so dirty I worried someone would call CPS if they saw it. Others, I was so psychotically obsessed with making it clean I worried someone would call CPS if they saw me.
I lived my life wandering around in a fog of uncertainty, while being nearly purposefully blind to what was going on around me. And now I am awake.
I am not whole. I am not fixed. I am still constantly battling the demons in my own mind. But I am aware. And that is a whole lot more than I was before.
So now, here we are. I’m still a mom. I still have two crazy little boys that offer laughter and tears, usually together. And I’ll write about them. But I’m also going to write about me. And I’m going to be honest. About all of it. Because I wholeheartedly believe that the only way to start to build myself back into who I want to be, is to be 100% honest about who I was, and who I am.
So, there you have it.