I woke up with only one thought this morning:
Oh crap, the cupcakes!
Okay, yes, I know the cupcakes have been a reocurring theme this week, and for that I apologize. But I can’t help it. Really, I can’t. I’m thinking about starting a support group. But it wouldn’t be just for cupcakes. It would be for all the things I’ve learned I absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, cannot live without. Caffeine – in the form of coffee or Diet Pepsi; Gum – Trident White Spearmint gum (no, I’m serious. You should see what happens when I run out of this gum. It’s like a blind panic. I will buy three cases of it at Sam’s go through it all in less than a month, and then have a total panic attack when I’m down to my last piece – digging through old purses and tote bags like a complete addict); and now, cupcakes. It wasn’t always like this. I quit chewing gum years ago. Until I get pregnant with Mase and wanted some form of Spearmint so badly I was ready to eat my toothpaste. I ended up in Walgreens buying one pack of each kind of Spearmint flavored gum they had – and boy did I find me a winner. Cupcakes weren’t a problem until I got pregnant with Kaleb. Just ask my dad. I have, however, always been a coffee and soda addict. I know. You do not have to tell me how unhealthy it is. But take my word for it, you wouldn’t want to encounter me on day where I was denied one of these life-sustaining things.
I was going to say sanity-sustaining (Poppy, if you are reading this, stop laughing. It’s not funny), but then it dawned on me that my sanity jumped ship a while back, and I really should just move on and stop pretending like it’s coming back. Clearly the reward posters I have strategically placed all over my world have not worked (although, I wasn’t sure what a proper reward would be for finding one’s sanity – maybe a pie? I can bake one hell of a pie). Unlike Milo – who takes off at will and just comes back whenever he’s tired of trying to get run over by a car or eaten by a hawk – my sanity is never coming back. It’s time to welcome the crazy and enjoy the ride, right?
Anyway, back to my 6am panic attack: cupcakes. I left them out. I know I did. I know I was tired and it had been a strange day, and I dragged myself to bed without re-hiding my precious cakes of joy. They were still sitting there. On the counter. The one Kaleb was going to walk right past if I didn’t get to him first.
And then I got kicked. I mean, really, I got pummeled with a little size two foot by a snoring five year old. Oh no. Oh he’s here! When on earth did he crawl into bed? Was I really that tired? I didn’t even hear him! I vaguely remember telling the dog to put a sock in it – ahhh so that must have been when Kaleb came in. Grab my phone, open my handy dandy flashlight app, and shine it on his mouth. No frosting. Hands, no crumbs. I might be okay. He might have sleep-walked right past them. Then the alarm went off – with the phone in my hand, six inches from him. He shot out of bed like a rocket, and I realized I had to move. If I had any chance of keeping him from those cupcakes I had to get there before he realized they had even been brought in the house.
I take off down the hallway, trip over the Jake wagon (what the hell?? Did he drag his wagon in here too?), stumble into the kitchen, just in time to turn around and block the cupcakes with my body as he walks around the corner.
“Hi buddy! Good morning!”
“I’m still tired mommy.”
“Okay bud, why don’t you go sit in the family room and I’ll bring you your clothes. Then you can have a snack” *Ears perk at mention of the snack – never underestimate the power of fruit snacks*
“Okay. I’m not tired anymore. I just want a snack so I can get dressed now and get one.”
“Yep, sure thing! Go on now.”
Whip open the candy cabinet and shove my cupcakes inside. Crisis averted. Thankfully the kid hasn’t yet caught on to the fact that mommy actually has a cabinet in the kitchen filled with emergency candy (partially because my blood sugar plummets sometimes – but mostly because… well, who doesn’t like to eat a Hershey’s bar when the sky is falling? And the sky is always falling here). Get his clothes in a hurry, start a cup of coffee, remember that he doesn’t have a folder to fill out (Well, why would he? What are they going to say? Kaleb was good for the first 60 minutes of school, then he had a meltdown in front of the principal and got suspended?). Kaleb starts hollering at me because he needs “today pants”
“I gave you pants.”
“No mommy, I need today pants.”
“Kaleb, I gave you a pair of hunter green pants – they’re on the couch.”
Oh, wait, no I didn’t. In my panicked relief, I gave him a hunter green button down shirt. Bad on me kid. Whoops! Let’s try this again!
Kaleb goes potty, and I go to close the pocket door – only to see Mason staring at me. No way. You were up way too late kid, there is no way you are awake at 6:30 in the morning. I look at him and say “Nigh’ night!” He goes back to sleep. Thank heaven it’s still dark that early in the morning, or he never would have bought it.
Kaleb gets on the bus, I grab my coffee, and here we sit. I’d like to take Mase to the beach today, but we have some errands that need to get run, so we will have to wait until another day. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see. Anyway, my cupcakes are safe, my coffee is great, and all the doors and window are open which rocks. So, good morning world!