I can’t decide if my children are just this insane, or if they really don’t like me. Maybe you can help me figure it out. Here’s a glimpse into the last 12 hours of our lives…
12:17 am: Finally get to go to bed as Mason has finally fallen asleep. This of course, after nearly four hours of debacle. Mason turns the t.v. on – I turn the t.v. off. After the fifth time, I unplug the t.v. altogether. Mason opens all the dresser drawers and pulls out the clothes. I sit on the couch and pull my blanket over my head with a groan – this is why the kid has been living out of a laundry basket for the past few months. Mason piles all of his toys on his bed, I take them off. He turns the light on. I turn the light off. He turns the light on six more times, I tape the light off. He screams until Kaleb wakes up, I give them both milk and go back to my Mason Monitor. He runs out of milk and piles more toys on his bed. I take the toys out of his bed. He screams himself to sleep. I drag my weary behind to bed and immediately fall asleep.
3:22 am: Milo starts growling. I put a pillow over my head. Milo growls louder. I press down on the pillow. Milo starts to bark. I throw the pillow in some aimless bout of frustration. Someone starts pounding on my bedroom door. Milo barks more. Kaleb starts yelling “Moooommmmmyyyy!” Milo barks louder. I cry a little inside and get out of bed. Open the door, turn Kaleb around, and tell him to go back to bed. I pat Milo on the head while calling him mean names in my head, and go back to sleep.
4:18 am: Milo starts growling. I hear shuffling feet. My eyes snap open and my head begins the process of exploding. The shuffling feet hesitate at my doorway. Milo growls some more. I tell Kaleb to go back to bed. I hear shuffling feet head in the opposite direction. I do not hear the gate. Once more I drag myself out of bed and go to trace the shuffling feet. Find the boy attached to the feet sitting on the couch with marker and a coloring book. I take marker and tell the boy to go back to bed. Follow the shuffling feet to his room, close the gate, and remind him that it is not time to wake up. Go back to bed.
6:41 am: Mason finds the loudest, most obnoxious toy in his room, and goes to town. I groan. Kaleb starts hollering to Mason from across the hallway. Mason hollers back. I groan again. Mason starts to beat on his gate with a matchbox car. I quit. Get up, get Mason, change Mason, go to coffee maker. Make coffee. Kaleb starts screaming that his Lego car is broken. Well, fix it. He insists that I fix it. I inform him that I am not the one that built it – therefor, I don’t know how to fix it. More screaming. I go to start another load of laundry, and he starts to do a pee-pee dance. I tell him to go potty, more screaming, but he goes. I grab the laundry basket, and hear Kaleb screaming again. This time about the potty being yucky. I drop my laundry basket and head to the bathroom. Sure enough, the potty is yucky – primarily because Kaleb doesn’t flush in the middle of the night.
Ugh. I flush the toilet, only to watch the water level rise. And rise. And rise some more. Now I’m thinking oh no. Oh no oh no oh NO. Poo water begins to spill on the floor. I run for the plunger. I come back with the plunger and find Mason playing in poo water. NO!! Clean Mason. Gently put plunger in the toilet – as each little movement spills more water on the floor. Begin plunging toilet, with one foot on the ground and one foot behind me keeping Mason at bay, while Kaleb continues to scream about his car. Toilet begins to drain. Flush toilet. Sop up water on floor, go get toilet bowl cleaner and mop. Clean toilet and floor, tell Kaleb he can go potty, head back to laundry.
Start to load washing machine, Kaleb starts screaming about the toilet water being blue. Go flush the toilet so he can finally pee. Come back to laundry. Find Mason bent over the tree stand I forgot to clean out. Filling matchbox cars full of sap water. No! Clean Mason, cars, and tree stand. Finally load laundry. Go find coffee – ice cold. Put coffee in microwave, hear Kaleb screaming at Mason, find Mason running away from Kaleb with Kaleb’s lego motorcycle. Take motorcycle, calm down Kaleb, distract Mason. Get breakfast and milk for both boys. Turn on the microwave, get coffee. Feed dog, let dog out. Clean up breakfast… and here I sit.
As I write this, it’s 9am. Mason is emptying bins filled with cars, Milo is hiding at my feet, and Kaleb is playing with his Legos. Peace. For five minutes (I’m not delusioned enough to think this will last). So again I ask – are they trying to make me crazy? And how do you people sleep??